Lohaning our way through Fort Collins (NEW BELGIUM, FORT COLLINS)

13 Aug

**The Boobs would like to apologize for the inactivity on the blog. We went to too many breweries, then realized that it takes a lot of time to write about them. However, our vacations to Washington DC and San Diego respectively made us realize how lacking the rest of the country is for craft beers, and renewed our enthusiasm for our mission.

The first thing to note about New Belgium is that the tours run every 15 minutes 5 days a week and that you can reserve your tour time online. What this means is that the tours on Fridays and Saturdays fill up months in advance.

We went on a Friday, the day before my birthday as a part of Julia-Palooza (my weeklong birthday celebration) and because my boyfriend was in town and wanted to see it.

Of course I was running about 20 minutes late, so we were rushing to get to FoCo by the tour time.


The drive up to FoCo was interesting. There was terrible traffic, which was not helping us getting there on time. We were also traveling next to a military convoy. Lisa’s manpanion (who was driving) refused to drive in a way that we couldn’t get a picture of the hot soldiers with guns.

This was the best Lisa could do

This was an especially whorish brewery tour, as I was THISCLOSE to a nip slip, and Lisa mistook a long shirt for a dress and therefore wasn’t wearing pants.

One step away from Lohan-ing it

*Note- Lohaning (v.) Flashing your cooter for everyone to see because you’re not wearing panties. Happens especially when drunk, and while getting out of cars.

When we arrived, it was well past our tour time. New Belgium keeps a girl in sunglasses underneath a tent in the front with a list of names for the tour. It’s like trying to get into a very trendy nightclub, which of course made it that much worse when we were rejected.

We asked Host if we could hop on the tour. She said no. She did suggest that we put our names on the waiting list for the tour that was in 15 minutes, although she said there were still no guarantees that we’d get to go.

We tried everything to schmooze. I told her it was my birthday. Nothing. We tried to get one of the males to go up and compliment. They just looked scared at the thought of talking to a girl.

(Good thing both Julia and I have perfected our talking to lady skills – something that comes naturally when you’re a part-time lady homosexual. – Lisa)

So instead we just lurked and waited until she started calling names. We were in luck, we got chosen which means we got stamps.

What a nice lady homosexual stamp

Then, we were excited to discover there was a celebrity in our midst, as the woman that the stamp was modeled after was also waiting to get on the tour.

She was terribly rude to Host. That's not how you treat someone with power.

While we waited, Host gave us tokens to get free beers. This was also the point that Lisa began making fun of me and the BF because of our outfits.

The kicker is that he watched me get ready, knew exactly what I was wearing then put on a matching shirt.

Really, Lisa was just angry that her manpanion wasn’t wearing a shirt to match her salmon dress shirt. Unfortunately, since we were in the middle of nowhere (aka Fort Collins) there were no nearby trading posts for us to buy him a new shirt at.

(This was really disgusting and I was upset that they looked like a pair of 5 – year old fraternal twins going to birthday party. – Lisa)

The tour was supposed to last two hours and they give you several beer samples along the way. The reason it was that long is because the tour guides TALKS AND TALKS AND TALKS. I forgot the notebook, so I was forced to take notes on a postcard, which means they were severely lacking. In fact, here is all that I took away from the tour.

“Tour guide tells really boring stories. I don’t care. Tour guide also appears to have a crush on the Lady CEO who is also a scientist. Is really in to bikes.”

(I think this was brought on by the disheartening feeling we had after being harassed at the very start of the tour, children being on the tour making noises so it was impossible to listen anyway and just the fact that we were in Fort Collins. – Lisa)

If you couldn’t tell, the tour guide and I did not hit it off right away, as he thought I was trying to take pictures of him, and stopped the tour to pose. I was actually trying to take secret pictures of the small girl who had really hairy arms, and had an awkward moment as I told him that I wasn’t trying to take pictures of him.

You know who doesn't care how beer is made? This kid.

He then decided to harass me for the rest of the tour, which, in turn made me dislike him more.

This has no relevance. We just thought it was cool they made a slutty dress out of beer.

The rest of the tour was pretty basic. New Belgium would be an amazing place to work because they give their employees the New Belgium bikes after 2 years and send you to Belgium after 5. However, we were undecided if it would be worth it, because to work there you’d have to live in Fort Collins.

The tour went through the entire brewing process from making the mash to bottling. The whole brewery does have a very fun and inviting environment.

At the end of the tour, right before the tasting room, New Belgium has a slide that everyone has the option of going down. The tour guide and an old man harassed me about going down it. Seeing as I was in a short dress, and didn’t really want to Lohan everyone, I politely declined. One opportunity that I clearly missed was that I didn’t lie and say I wasn’t wearing panties. That would’ve made them shut up.

Lisa decided to brave it, even thought she was wearing a shirt with no pants, but she went down first, so no one was able to get a cooter shot.

(Julia really missed out not doing this slide. I got two skin burns from the amount of skin-to- metal that happened, I had to put my bra back on afterwards because the force of going down it pushed it off completely and there were complaints from boys about it effecting their manly area. – Lisa)

We ended in the tasting room, where I managed to offend the tour guide again, and Lisa ruined a family’s day.

Tour Guide: “What could make the tour better?”

Lisa: “Well, I would really like it if there weren’t any children here because they don’t belong.”

Family of four standing next to Lisa looks horrified. Mom gives her a dirty look, while the Dad chuckles.

Dad: “Yeah, I agree.”

Mom: “This is a learning experience for children! Our daughter had to miss rock climbing today for this”

Lisa: “Seems that it would’ve been more appropriate and healthier to take her to that,”

And with that, our New Belgium Beer tour came to a close. Now, on to the beers. These descriptions are going to be lacking, because writing on a postcard leaves little room for description. We’ll have to revisit the rest of the beers when we journey back to Fort Collins to complete the Odells tour which we also missed because we were 15 minutes late to it.

Mothership Wit– 100% agave. Very cloudy. Takes just like Sweaty Betty, which is NOT a compliment. Lots of banana and clove.

2 boobs

Skinny Dip- this is a really generic beer. It’s not great, but not bad either.

3 boobs

Hagdorn’s Hellis– it’s a style of beer, not just the beer itself.

3 boobs

Sunshine Wheat- Lemony. Tastes like Lemon Zest.

3 boobs


One Response to “Lohaning our way through Fort Collins (NEW BELGIUM, FORT COLLINS)”


  1. Ve had a Vonderful Time! (Vell, as much as you can in Fort Collins) – Fort Collins Brewery, FOCO « Boobs, Breweries, and Beer - August 20, 2010

    […] Aug After the hectic afternoon of trying to hustle our way into the New Belgium Brewery, then the constant heckling from the guide I had to endure and finally the hilarity of being mean […]

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