What’s classier than putting stickers on your nipples? – Breckenridge Brewery (Breckenridge)

1 Sep

After a full day of mountain drinking we decided the best place to wind down would be none other than Breckenridge Brewery. We had heard a lot of good things about this brewery, especially their vanilla porter.

First of all, we’d like to say thanks to our guest boobs of the weekend, Megan, Mandy and Amber for joining us on one of the best weekends ever.

Now that's a handful

Upon arrival we did what any group of five girls would do; casually wait by the bar and wait for someone to get us beer. It worked. After a very unpleasant dealing with the hostess, who was really rude (Although it probably didn’t help that Amber and Lisa said loudly while she was in earshot that she was a bitch. –Julia) and a considerable wait for a table, we were finally seated (Although we had beer, so it was fine).

Our waiter was also pretty short-tempered

He made the mistake of bringing us a single Breckenridge brewery sticker. A small argument ensued about who would get to have the sticker, before we decided it would be much easier to simply ask the waiter for more stickers and save ourselves from a five-woman deep catfight/brawl. When we asked, the waiter rolled his eyes, but at least he brought enough stickers for everyone.

The following photo montage demonstrates what good use of these stickers we made.

I don't know why no one thought of this as a promotional idea yet

Miss Conservativve

But really as inappropriate as it may SEEM to put brewery stickers on your nipples, what better FREE advertising could any establishment want? (And really, as drunk as we were, and how slutty we were dressed, someone was bound to have a nip slip, had we not MacGuyvered ourselves a solution –Julia) .

As the men at the table that we didn’t know/had just met kept changing, it was difficult to keep track, and also really awkward when everyone left the table except for me, Amber, Julia and the man who was to be nicknamed Pasties.

Amber realized that Pasties had a Dale’s Pale Ale can around his neck. She asked if she could have it. Being the nice person that she is, she offered to show him a surprise if he gave it to her.

He said it depended on the surprise. So she flashed him.

Not what he was expecting

Then, we convinced him that he should put stickers on his nipples, too.

And he agreed?...

Us: 1 Breckenridge Hippies with nice teeth: 0

Other highlights of the night included:

  • A rather intense conversation about the perfect nipple (quarter-sized apparently) and the number one reason for guys wanting to put them in their mouths (because “they’re cute”).
  • A secret handshake that was SO secret we forgot it moments after making(obviously to ensure no one else would find it out). All we can remember say is that it involved some sort of high-five and a boob grab of some sort. At this point in the night it’s tough to say whose boobs exactly we were grabbing but they most likely weren’t our own.
  • Our least transient guest of the night, New York also had this, among many other things to add to the conversation. “What do you call 5 Mexican’s drowning?” — “Good News?”

We had our waiter tell us all of the beers on the sampler, then called him back to tell us again, and then finally made him draw a diagram so we could remember.  Based on said diagram, here’s the rundown of the beer ratings as we remember them.

Vanilla Porter: Very Vanilly. Pretty much like ice cream mixed with beer. Fantastic.

4 and a side boob (This beer is to go head to head with the other 4 ranked beers in the ultimate show down of beers to determine the true best 5 boob beer.)

Agave: Tastes like a wheat beer. Smells like tequila.

Julia: “If I wanted to drink tequila I would just drink tequila”

Me: “I’m excited for it”

3 Boobs

Summer: Summery, like a dandelion.

3 Boobs

Avalanche: Initial thought on this beer? “I hope it tastes like a Duchene because he’s a hottie”
Thoughts after drinking this beer? “If I was to lick a hockey player this is what it would taste like.”
A little salty
Julia – 3 boobs
Lisa – 4 boobs

Oatmeal Stout: Tastes the same as all other Oatmeal Stouts
3 boobs

Pale – Spicy Aftertaste.

Julia – 2 Boobs

Lisa –3 Boobs

Buddha – Cloves and Bananas, as usual. Tastes remarkably like Sweaty Betty from Boulder Beer, which is cool, if you’re into that.

2 Boobs

IPA – Very Strong, very intense

3 boobs

After our waiter circled our table about a dozen times, hoping to get us to pay and leave, we finally headed out. We were walking down the street joking about how we could never show our faces in that brewery again after our debaucherous activities, when Amber realized that she left her camera, and that we needed to go back before our waiter discovered it at our table and threw it away based on the tip we left him.

Julia, Amber and I headed back the brewery to retrieve the camera (which we did, with no help from the waiter who was a jerk about it) and realized that we needed a rally vomit if the night was going to continue. So we took a quick detour to the bathroom for a group bulimia session.

Conversation in the bathroom:

Julia: “C’mon Lisa, you can do it! I threw up twice already! Once you do, you’ll feel so much better!”

Me: “I can’t…I tried like six times, but it’s not working…”

This is friendship at its finest.

Overall awards for this brewery:

Least friendly

Brewery visited most drunk

Most number of vagabonds at our table

Most number of people to vomit in one bathroom at a time

Most creative use of stickers

Sadly, this was from a classier time in the evening

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One Response to “What’s classier than putting stickers on your nipples? – Breckenridge Brewery (Breckenridge)”

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