These puppies wish they were going to Great American Beer Festival
The festival coincides with Denver Beer Week, which means that there will be beer-related events going on around the city all week. Here’s a list of the cooler things there are to do. Awesome events range from beer ice cream to beer movies to beer fly fishing (which is weirdly really expensive).
As Lisa and I begin gearing up for the awesomeness that is GABF, I began imparting the wisdom that I learned last year to Lisa, since this will be her first year.
Also, GABF is sold out, so sorry to all the suckers who didn’t get tickets in time. We’ll have a tiny sample of beer for you.
The following are the DO’s and DON’Ts for having a wonderful experience at GABF.
DO buy extra tickets early
When the event inevitably sells out, people will be scrambling on Craigslist to get tickets and for some reason are willing to pay much more than the price you bought the tickets at. God bless price gouging.
You can also buy tickets for friends/boyfriends in advance and sell them the day before the event for twice the price you paid. You’r going to lose a friend/boyfriend but really, what friend/boyfriend is worth more than $100 in your pocket?
DO make a necklace of pretzels in advance
When you’re drunk, it’s a nice surprise to have. If you get good pretzels, they can also be used for bartering. Lisa suggested that this year we make dresses out of pretzels. The jury is still out on if this would be a great idea or a terrible one. (By the end of the festival not only will you be full of beer and pretzels but you’ll be too drunk to even realize that you’re naked and covered in a variety of different people’s saliva. – Lisa)
This was an amateur attempt. This year, the pretzels will be bigger, and there will be more.
DO make sure to stay out of the way of cameras
This is important for two reasons.
1. You’re drunk. You’ll look like an idiot and whatever you have to say won’t be insightful (or even coherent, most likely).
2. If you happen to be making out with someone who you aren’t dating, and the person you’re dating randomly happens to see you on TV, it doesn’t end well.
DO get there early
The lines get long really quickly, and the earlier you get there, the more time you have to make fun of idiot groups of middle-aged men who are all wearing t-shirts with dumb sexual innuendos on them. Also, the sooner you get in to get beer when the doors open.
This is a shining example. Who comes up with this? Better yet, who is dumb enough to buy it?
DO figure out your transportation/lodging in advance
I would strongly suggest getting a hotel room downtown within walking distance or bribing one of your friends to come pick you up afterwards. Although a hotel is more expensive, it’s sometimes easier to book than it is finding a sober friend on a Saturday night (Or, if you’re Lisa, you gypsy-trick someone from your mantourage into chauffer duty).
DO practice for the big day
Although it seems like 2 oz samples of beer are going to take forever to get your drunk it’s not true. Prep for the event by having a five hour Power Hour with your friends for several nights leading up to GABF.
Motivational threats are always a good way to practice.
DON’T drop your beer. It’s humiliating
Hilarious for all of the people around you as they boo you, but humiliating for you. Find some way to attach your cup to you. Create a necklace with a cupholder. Buy a rubber bracelet to put around it. Or, wear a shirt that creates just enough cleavage to keep your cup in.
Practicing for the big event
DON’T hit on guys at booths by telling them they look like Carson Daly
This confuses/insults them and then they usually don’t give you free stuff. And in some cases, it turns out that they know your boyfriend and then it’s weird.
I would take it as a compliment if someone told me I looked like a manorexic, ex-MTV VJ who has a talk show no one watches and clearly hates his life
DON’T hook up with anyone at the end of the event
When everyone is kicked out of the convention center, there is usually a large crowd gathered outside the entrance looking confused. Everyone has the Jersey Shore “Nobody is ugly after 2 AM” mentality, however it’s only 10 PM. Don’t let your beer goggles fool you, and avoid making out with anyone.
Not only is this true, but you'll feel even more pathetic when you realize you picked up a grenade before 10.
DON’T drink more at the bars downtown afterwards
Because you will regret it in the morning. Just say no, and instead go home with the person you just met outside the festival, at least you know they have good taste in beer.
See you all on Saturday!
